He Thought
by VerityFrancesB
Summary: Alone, he thinks...For Jonah


_Spoilers for Judgment Day so don't read if you have watched. _

_As unhappy about Judgment Day as I am, Jen went down fighting and she did it to save Gibbs, so I am happy about that._

_I'm sorry this couldn't be a happy piece for Jonah, but this is for her..._

* * *

For the first time in over a decade his basement did nothing to dispel the loneliness that crept up on him, the boat did nothing to calm his thoughts and the bourbon did nothing to stop the shaking in his hands that had started when he tried to open her body bag. He was angry at himself for being so weak that he couldn't open it, but he'd had enough, had enough of seeing people that he cared about surrounded by black plastic, the color gone from their skin, it just didn't seem fair. He thought of all the times he'd been strong for everyone around him and he didn't know if he could keep it up for much longer. His strength was beginning to fail.

He thought of Abby. Her large eyes had brimmed with tears yet again when she had been told that team was being split up. She had clutched at Ziva and Tony, unable to let them go, unwilling to let them out of her sight. But they had gone and the minute they had walked out of her lab the broom figures had come back out. She had stroked their cardboard faces with her fingertips and turned towards Gibbs.

"Do something Gibbs, don't let them go." She had pleaded. But all he had been able to do was pull her into a hug and hold her as she cried, because he was hurting to much himself to offer any words.

He thought of Tony. He had taken it hard, blaming himself for what had happened and some small part of Gibbs's mind blamed him too. Although rationally, he might be saying goodbye to three colleagues if they had followed Jen. He felt for the boy, alone on a ship, without the comfort of his team, his family, to get through the hard times. Tony had looked like a child being punished as they walked out of Jenny's office, it was _never_ going to be Vance's office, and he had wanted to comfort him, wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault and that it would be ok, he would get him back, but he couldn't, couldn't bring himself to say the words partly because he didn't know whether or not they were true.

He thought of Ziva. His brave, fearless warrior, who had looked petrified and lost when told she was going home. She had escaped there once and she had looked like she didn't know if she could do it again. But she would escape again, Gibbs would make sure of it, because he needed his team, his dysfunctional family, around him. Ziva had stroked his face as she left, staring into his eyes, pleading with him to do something, _anything, _to make this nightmare go away. He had covered her hand with his, silently apologizing and letting her know he would be seeing her again, as soon as he could. She had bitten on her bottom lip and nodded once, stepping into the elevators for the last time, lightly touching Tony's hand for the briefest moment.

He thought of McGee. The lost puppy dog look when he realized that the group was being ripped apart at the seams pulled at Gibbs's heart strings.

"Why not me Boss?" He has asked, "Why didn't I get sent away?" He wanted to tell him that he was needed here, that he was best where Vance put him, that he couldn't deal with every one on his team being sent away, that he wasn't being punished as much as Tony and Ziva, but the words wouldn't come. All that had come was a rough, brief hug and a prayer that it was enough, knowing that it wasn't.

He thought of Ducky. His faithful, old friend, the way his voice had taken on its hurt tone over the phone when he had told him about Jenny had made it hard for Gibbs not to crack himself. Ducky's understanding look as Gibbs's hands shook at the zipper on the body bag, his attempt at comforting falling on deaf ears. He thought about why he was unwilling to accept comfort from him, and he knew it was because he didn't want comfort right now, he wanted the feel numb, didn't want to feel anything and comfort would make this nightmare real.

He thought of Jenny, his Jenny.

* * *

_Thank you Jonah for your help with this and Happy Birthday my poppet! Love you_

_V!_

_xox_


End file.
